Breaking News from Dublin..The finalist in the Irish Mr. World Contest have been announced. (the little guy on the right has my vote to go all the way.
We Irish have but two goals in life..if we be obtaining either one then the saints have looked favorable upon us.....
A few one-liners to get you started.
Q. What does an Irish woman do with her asshole in the morning? A. She
makes him a sandwich and sends him to work.
Q. What do you call an Irish woman paralyzed from the waist down? A.
Married.
Q. What's a Irishman's idea of foreplay? A. Half an hour of
begging.
Q. If your Irish, what's the best way to make your wife scream when you're
having sex? A. Call her up and tell her where you are.
Q. Why are hurricanes a lot like Irish women? A. When they come
they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house
and car with them.
Q. What is the Irish definition of the perfect woman? A. A deaf and
dumb nympho whose father owns a pub.
Q. How do you
get an Irish nun pregnant? A. Dress her up as a choir
boy.
Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies for years and 3 nights a week for 40 years they always met at the same pub. One night Pat says "Michael, me old lad, I have managed to save a few coins of the round in me time and when I pass I be wanting you to purchase a gallon of the finest Irish whiskey and be pouring it on my grave if you don't mind and I'll pay for it." To which Mike says "Patty me boy, tis no problem, I would be honored to do such a thing in honor of me best friend, but you be knowing I'll be drinking it first".
How do you know when it's springtime in Ireland? The girls start showing their belly buttons
and every pub looks like this
This is not Irish but it is funny so I stuck it here Play with this for a couple of hours..if he gets stuck just move him with your cursor..funny as hell.
This is one of the funniest George Bush things you will ever see.
Patty and Mick were discussing their home life. Mick says "the other da, I took me lassie to the all day cinema and half way thru, I fell asleep". Patty inquired if this angered his wife and Mick said "no my falling asleep did not make her mad, what did make her mad was that she woke me up crawling around on the floor around the seats...so I asked her what in the almighty was she doing on the floor" "Looking for some carmel candy" she replied. "Saints be save us" I said.."yea must be daft, yea can't eat candy off the floor have you lost yea mind"? "Nae" she said.."the piece I'm looking for has my teeth in it".
One morning while making breakfast, an Irishman walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "Ah me bonnie lass,if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose. " She was a wee bit pissed, but did not say anything. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, lassie if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was more than she could take, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, saints be praised, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother" !
An irishman goes into a pub and tells the bartender, "yo laddie, pour me 10 glasses of your finest irish whiskey". The bartender says "wow, I never had anybody order 10 drinks at a time before, are you celebrating ?" The customer says "Ah me boy sort-of, I'm celebrating my first blow job". "Wow" says the bartender, "in that case I'll pour 11 glasses and it's on the house". The customer says "That won't be necessary, if 10 don't get the taste out of my mouth, 11 won't either".
An Irish man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into the young Irish lass beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "The saints have mercy on me sole Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
A 97 year old man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. So the old man wrote to his son in prison about it, and received this reply, Dad for HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed at the old mans house up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now you can plant your potatos - your welcome".
Paddy worked for Shamus at an Irish pub. Shamus told Paddy to go to the local lumber yard and get 400 2 X 4's. So off Paddy goes and tells the man at the lumber yard he needs 400 2 X 4's as Shamus had asked for. The lumber man said "well, I have 8 foot, 10 foot and 12 foot in stock, how long do you need your lumber" ? Paddy scratches his head and said I do not know, I will be back later. Paddy returned in about and hour and found the man and said "do you remember me, I needed 400 2 X 4's" ? "Yes" the man said, do you know how long now. Paddy said yes, we need them for a long, long, time Shamus is building a house.
Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A. One less Drunk
Omalley was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Omalley asked. "Well didn't ya know, Omalley, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around.The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.''The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.
My X-wife and some people say that I....
''
but I really don't...It is a vicious rumor started by my currrent wife(she may be talking with my X) can't tell for sure....Even though it's a good likness...(toilet cam) I just enjoy a little humor at my own expense.
Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner.To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?" "Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked.
The second decided to try.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?" "Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked.
The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?" "Oh, no I dinnae know that either, but I guess that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."
An example of Irish computer technology
HOPE YOU RECEIVED A SMILE WHILE YOU WERE HERE. MAY THE WIND ALWAYS BE AT YOUR BACK AND YOUR JOURNEY ALWAYS BE DOWNHILL.
If for some reason you did not enjoy your visit here after all the work I did to try to make it enjoyable for you then....
ANSWER TO ROOM LOGIC PROBLEM: You can ask either guard at either door the following question. If I ask the other guard which is the door to life what will he tell me. Then whatever your answer is go out the other door. ie...if you ask the liar, he knows the other guard will tell you the truth and therefore he is going to lie and tell you the truthful man is going to tell you which is door to death. If you ask the truthful man, he knows the liar will lie to you so he will tell you that the liar will point you to the door of death.
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